By some fluke of not paying attention, the Golden Globes appear to have pass me by. My score then is zero for zero. Let’s see if we can do any better this time.
It occurs to me that the ballots have all been sent in and counted at this point, and I’m sure at least one person knows the winners. What are the odds of my guesses being right? Certainly it’s not random chance anymore, since the answers have been determined, but not yet publicly announced. I wonder if this has any implications for Schrodinger’s Cat. But that’s beside the point. The full list of nominees is here.
Best Picture: I think The Artist is going to have a big night, so expect it to show up a few more times on this list.*
Best Actor: Only one man can out-Clooney George Clooney: Jean Dujardin. I mean, just look at that chin dimple! While I haven’t seen The Descendants, if Clooney can somehow make us think that he is a descendant of native Hawaiians, then he probably deserves at least an honorable mention.*
Best Actress: Hmm. Meryl? Or Viola? Let’s say… Viola Davis. But remember, Academy, you can overlook someone so many times before you have to give them a Lifetime Achievement Award and say you’re sorry.
Best Supporting Actor: I have absolutely no statistics to back this up, but my instincts are saying Jonah Hill from Moneyball. That’s right- after tonight we’ll all be saying, “Academy Award Winner Jonah Hill.”
Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer. Why was Berenice Bejo nominated as a supporting actress when she was clearly the lead female role in the film? Probably because Harvey Weinstein severely underestimated The Help.*
Best Director: Michel Hazanavicis. This year there are several directors with very violent sounding names, including “Hazanavicis,” Alexander “Payne,” and Marty “Scorsese.” Make of that what you will.*
Best Adapted Screenplay: I’ll say Moneyball. We like Aaron Sorkin, don’t we?
Best Animated Feature: Ran-goooo!!! <Hushed>Rango!<Hushed> The lack of a nomination for Pixar is disheartening here. I think the Academy really doesn’t like the Cars franchise. C’mon, guys! I know the money’s tempting, but don’t let us down! Make Brave a good one!*
Best Foreign Language Film: A Separation. Will this cool down tensions between Tehran and Washington? If only…*
Best Cinematography: Yes, The Artist is in black & white, which is… new… and… groundbreaking… but it was originally in color and desaturated in post. I’ll say The Tree of Life for this one.
Best Editing: The Artist. Only way to do that is the old fashioned… wait, they used a computer, didn’t they?
Best Art Direction: Part of me is saying War Horse. But then there’s The Artist. Nahh. War Horse.
Best Costume Design: Fine, The Artist, have another one. Those were some nice suits.*
Best Makeup: Forget the gorgeous period dress, or the flashy biopic. It’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 for this one.
Best Original Score: The Artist. But Academy? The rules in this category… I mean, the latter Lord of the Rings chapters and There Will Be Blood get overlooked because of “music not originally composed for the film,” but several minutes of Vertigo get dropped into the climax like a frakking temp score and you let that slide? Dude, what gives? *
Best Original Song: Man or Muppet from The Muppets. Although, was this one of the only songs not written by Jason Segel?*
Best Sound Mixing: What was that? Sound Mixing? Yeah- Transfor- I said TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON!!!!
Best Sound Editing: What the hell. Hugo.*
Best Visual Effects: Okay, wizard duels, movie magic, boxing robots, lots and lots of angry apes, or robots leveling Chicago. Transformers again.
Best Feature Documentary: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory. Got kids out of prison for a crime they didn’t commit. Natch.
Best Short Documentary: No frakking clue. The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement.
Best Animated Short: I think The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore sounds cool.*
Best Live Action Short: Shrug. Pentecost.
And there you have it! Check back later to see the score!
Update: 11/24. And I would have had more if frakking Hugo hadn’t screwed up the techical categories. <grumblegrumblegrumble>